The Night I Flashed Prince Philip (& Other Fashion Fails)
The dress was Valentino: white, bias-cut silk crepe with the skinniest of diamante spaghetti straps which criss-crossed at the back. Something I could never wear now — you had to go braless — but I was in my early 20s and it made me look the picture of poised elegance.
My dad had very kindly bought it for me to wear to a formal dinner at Windsor Castle with the Royal Family. This was far from a regular occurrence but, at the time, I was dating Princess Margaret’s son, Viscount Linley. Sitting next to Prince Philip, I was a flutter of nerves. At least I looked the part, I told myself. During the soup course, however, the right-hand strap of the dress gave way. I carried on talking, completely oblivious, until the second strap snapped too. Suddenly I was no longer talking but catastrophically exposed, and my boobs literally fell out on the table.
Absolutely mortified, I snatched up the front of my dress and pulled it back over my chest. Quick as a flash, Prince Philip raised his hand and a butler appeared with two safety pins on a silver tray. I’ve no idea how he moved so quickly. Had he witnessed similar fall-outs before? Quietly and efficiently, he fixed the straps to the back of the dress. To this day, I don’t know if anyone else noticed because no one said a word. But I bloody noticed — and I’ll be forever grateful to the discreet gent who came to my aid. The experience would be embarrassing enough at any dinner party, but the fact I was dining with senior Royals arguably makes it The Ultimate Wardrobe Malfunction. All these years on, it’s a story that always makes people laugh, even if I still shudder at the thought. The dress itself, imbued with the memory, now hangs in my wardrobe, waiting (securely fixed) for one of my daughters.
We all have times when our clothes badly let us down. Whether that’s dresses caught in knickers, heels that send us tumbling, or items that expose us at the wrong moment. Famous public examples include Judy Finnigan inadvertently flashing her bra at the National Television Awards and Janet Jackson exposing a nipple at the Super Bowl in 2004, a slip for which the term ‘wardrobe malfunction’ was coined. Sometimes I think my life is one long wardrobe malfunction.
Having helped thousands of people with their wardrobes over the years, I know the effect looking good can have on our self-esteem. And I know from personal experience, too, how clothes can ruin your day. It’s the subject of my new podcast, My Wardrobe Malfunction, where I interview celebrities about their experiences and explore their relationship with clothes. There’s also a section at the end - Pyjama Party - where we invite listeners to submit their own unforgettable stories.
It was another incident, at a friend’s party more than a year ago, that sowed the seed of the podcast idea. I was wearing an emerald green top and skirt from the normally reliable Zara. The top had long sleeves with an off-the-shoulder draped neckline, which was loose over the boobs and cinched in at the waist with a hidden zip down the back. I’d paired it with a pencil skirt, which had a slit up the front, and some beautiful earrings. It’s rare for me to look in the mirror and think: ‘You look good’, but I thought the outfit was pretty enough not to frighten the dogs. The top had felt a little snug, but when I sat down to dinner it began loosening up. Great, I thought - perhaps I’ve lost weight. Just then, a friend draped her jacket over my shoulders. She bent down and whispered into my ear, “You’re showing your back and your bra to the entire room!” Unbeknown to me, the zip at the back had burst open. It looked fine from the front, but evidently not so from behind. When I recounted the incident to friends, they all seemed to have their own hilarious examples. Clothes are most memorable when something goes wrong. You remember where you were, who you were with, who came to your aid and who you want to kill because they didn’t.
Many people think clothes are frivolous, but they reveal so much about us. You can discern an awful lot about where a person is in their life by what they are wearing. Are they using clothes as armour? Do they seek to impress? Or have they given up? You can tell whether they are depressed, over-confident, whether it’s all for show and if they are deeply insecure under the layers. And this, for me, is the most interesting thing about our wardrobes. Once you realise how clothes can give you away, you can use them to do the opposite. Over the years, I’ve tried to help both women and men find their power through clothes.
One of my podcast guests, Elizabeth Hurley, is a prime example of someone who understands the power of good dressing. As irritating as it must be to be defined by a single item of clothing, she will always be known for that safety-pin Versace dress. Although one could hardly call it a wardrobe malfunction, we now associate her with attention-grabbing clothes. In fact, though, she is quite a country bumpkin, with little interest in frocks outside her professional life. However she may appear, she is much happier in jeans and Wellington boots. We met years ago and our children are good friends, so I’ve seen first hand how she makes her wardrobe work. She dresses glamorously when she has to - for her brand, which, in turn, helps the breast cancer charity she supports and her swimwear line. She’s very smart. That said, she is not beyond a wardrobe malfunction. It’s heels that have let her down in the past. Photographers snapped her mid-tumble when she fell off her beige wedges while opening a country fete a few years ago. She also recalls getting her stilettos caught in a cobbled street in front of photographers. She was so stuck, someone had to come to her aid.
Another gutsy woman who uses clothes very cleverly is RuPaul’s Drag Race judge and Strictly star Michelle Visage. Unusually, she carries herself like a female drag queen, all gloss, glamour and shimmer. The flamboyance of her TV presence is shed in daily life, but the lashes stay, as do swathes of colour and exotic fabrics.
This is a woman who knows her labels, never buys at full price and celebrates her femininity in figure-skimming clothes and 7 inch heels. But she opened up to me about being bullied as a child and how this affected her self-esteem. She says her figure wasn’t ‘fashion friendly’ and she struggled to fit in. It was only when she became involved in New York’s drag scene as a student that she felt inspired to embrace her true self. She started cinching in her waist with nipped-in jackets and wearing low-cut tops and mid-length skirts with high heels and high hair.
Michelle, who began her career in a US girl band, was completely flat-chested as a young woman and had a series of breast implants to take her up to an E-cup. After 30 years, however, they started to make her ill and she had to have them removed. These days, she uses clothes expertly to express her giant personality — and she says she’s so on top of her wardrobe that she’s rarely had a mishap. She’s the perfect example of someone who has battled with her sense of body positivity and come through the other side.
Sometimes it turns out that what you loathe about yourself is what friends most admire. I hate my big breasts, but my flatter-chested friends long for them. My ghost-white skin begs to be tanned but others call it porcelain smooth. We can’t always win, so we just have to learn to accept. But that is easier said than done.
There were times when I hit the menopause that I gave up caring about how I looked. I put on weight and I thought, ‘What’s the point in making an effort because I look awful anyway?’ That’s the time when you need to focus on yourself the most. Don’t put it off until you’ve lost weight or finalised your divorce, etc - do it now. Clothes can have an effect on how you feel about yourself faster than anything else.
That’s something Trinny Woodall and I explored in What Not To Wear and our other television programmes. Of course, Trinny is also one of my podcast guests. I thought we knew everything about each other, but sitting down and discussing her life in clothes led us to an illuminating and surprising conversation. We admitted just how hard it was going our separate ways and how we really felt about each other during our years of working together. She also kindly reminded me of a few of my most spectacular wardrobe malfunctions. Most memorable was the fake fur coat I wore when we were filming together in Norway. It was -15c and we were in the middle of nowhere when a woman who lived on a farm invited us into her house. I stood by the wood burner to warm up and suddenly there was this horrendous smell. It took a while before I realised the fake fur was melting. I was lucky enough to be able to shake it off before it ignited!
When it comes to making clothes work for you, Trinny and I agree that it’s about finding your fashion role model; someone who shares your body shape. It doesn’t matter if they are larger, taller, smaller, thinner. Just look to those who share similar proportions. For me, it’s the bountifully breasted Christina Hendricks. She looked magnificent in Mad Men and carries those figure-hugging silhouettes onto the red carpet.
That said, the younger generation thinks very differently about clothes. I have three children -Joe, 21, Esme, 18, and Cece, 16 - and the funny thing is my daughters downplay how they look. I have all these beautiful vintage dresses stored away for them but they won’t touch them. Maybe one day. But if not, that’s fine too. At their age it’s all about seeming to dress in a very unconscious way - the precise opposite of what my generation did. They wear hardly any make-up. And if they ever wear something overtly feminine, they will balance it with something more masculine, such as a dress with trainers. Given that almost everything they wear is ripped or torn, there is little chance of a wardrobe malfunction. I’d argue that the whole look is malfunctioning, but they would probably say the same of me.
Clothes and our attitude towards them have fascinated me for as long as I can remember. Yes, they are superficial. Yes, fashions come and go and can be utterly mystifying. Yes, there are many more important issues in the world today. But clothes remain a great unifier. We all (with a few exceptions) wear them. We all have an opinion on how they make us feel. And we have all had moments when they have let us down spectacularly, in one way or another. Just not necessarily with a royal audience.
Click here to download Susannah’s podcast, My Wardrobe Malfunction. Submit your own stories by emailing help@mywardmal.com
